


you see my hope was all but gone

by drmlast



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, boyfriend nomins bcs i can, chenle and haechan going through it, idk how to tag, idol boyfriends, jaemin is sickly in love with jeno, jaemin loves jisung and chenle, just a fic of taeyong best bestleader and jaemin showing his inner self, not very detailed, taeyong best leader pass it on, they are cute at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:33:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25894468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drmlast/pseuds/drmlast
Summary: jaemin likes to think he's okay, when he's really not
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Kudos: 47





	you see my hope was all but gone

**Author's Note:**

> Guyds pls pls read the tags hhh, oh and this was supposed to be for jaemin's birthday fic but I couldn't finish it but I didn't want to rush it hhh

Jaemin doesn’t say it, but his body is shaking in nervousness, a comeback was soon, and he heard Jeno was going blonde with him. The first thought he had was, _Jeno is going to look so much better than me_. He runs a trembling hand through his hair, grabbing at his scalp with brutal force. Jaemin beamed with bitterness, “Jaemin, he’s your boyfriend. Of course, you’re going to think he looks better.” He assured himself, standing up and easing his chest with short pats.

“Jaemin?” He flinches at the sudden call.

“Oh… hey Chenle.” He smiles, hoping Chenle didn’t detect how his face was flushed red.

“Hey… are you ready?” Chenle whispered out, hand clutching at his shirt. Then it hits him, Chenle forgot to take his pills. Jaemin nods with the best smile he can gather, grabbing his phone and taking quiet steps to the younger male.

“let's go Chenle.” Then he wrapped a tender hand around the younger’s body frame, massaging the shoulder while trying to reduce the tension. Chenle grinned and sinks into the touch. Jaemin lets out a relieved sigh, his members come before him. Members come before me.

━━━━━━━━

The ride was silence, Jaemin didn’t try to destroy it.

A hand touched his shoulders, and he shivered from the familiar rough texture. “hey, you alright Jaem?” Jaemin removed his earphone and gives a blank stare at Jeno. He cleared his throat and played with his fingers.

“yeah.” He muttered out, head dropping down instantly. He pushed the earphone back in then played his song again, head nuzzling into the crook between the seat and the window. His eyes wandered, and Jeno noticed how the lyrics ‘one day maybe she'll stay and start to head over his way’ flashed across the screen. Jeno felt a chill crawl up his throat. Jaemin was listening to the playlist?

_“Jaemin, what’s the whole point for this. We don’t even listen to sad music that much.” Jeno laughed as he added the final song into the playlist and named it a simple raining emoji._

_Jaemin grinned, “I probably wouldn’t touch this either. I like listening to happy songs that can make me dance and can bring joy to people’s life. Especially nctzens.” Jeno giggled and brought a hand to cup the male’s cheeks._

_“you’re adorable.”_

_Jaemin nods excitedly, “yeah I know.”_

Jeno threw a worried glance to Jaemin, Jeno takes in the dark circles below the male’s eyes. He takes in the small bruises around Jaemin’s cheeks. He inhaled, where did he even get those? Jeno takes in the pale skin, he takes in how thin his skin was, how bony his hands are. Even like this, Jeno found the male beautiful as always. He smiled, sliding a hand over the male’s hand. “Lovesick.” Hyuck coughed from beside him. Jeno didn’t budge, Jaemin didn’t budge.

_Sometimes, this is what Jaemin ever wanted._

━━━━━━━━

Jaemin stared at himself in the mirror, bringing a hand to grab at his flesh. His soulless eyes didn’t go unnoticed by him, he lets out a deflating sigh. “Jaemin. Why are you doing this to yourself?” He whispered out, tugging at his cheeks harder. He ignored the slight burn, tugging just an extra harder. He relieved himself in the pain, inhaling and exhaling shakily. Tears pricked at his eyes, and he watched as one slipped. “You should stop.” He muttered to his reflection. Yet he chuckled, “Yet you keep doing this, you keep coming back.” He sighed, bringing a hand to brisk over the forming purple spots. Sometimes, he wanted to lie down and take a nap. Oh, and perhaps never wake up while he’s at it.

“Jaemin hyunggggg~” A voice sang out from behind the glass doors, many footsteps followed. Jaemin is quick to wipe his tears, patting at his cheeks hoping to ease the marks. He knew it wouldn’t work though. He cracked his neck and beamed a lazy smile at Jisung who skipped in and dropped himself onto the floor. “Jaemin hyung!” He shouted, scooting over to Jaemin and embracing him in a tight hug. Jaemin lets out a forced laugh, patting the male’s head.

“What’s up with you and affection today hm?” Jaemin captured Jisung in a headlock, ruffling his hair and ignoring the whines of the younger. He opened his right arm, grinning at Chenle with soft eyes. “Chenle, come here.” He muttered, wrapping an arm around the pliant male. He cooed at both males, “My babies!!” He pressed a kiss to both male’s head. Jisung keeps letting out whines while Chenle snuggled closer to the older. _This can distract me in the meantime._

━━━━━━━━

“Jaemin?”

“Hm?” Jaemin hummed out, hand still fidgeting on his lap.

“Are you going?” Jeno asked, Jaemin tilts his head and looked at Jeno with confusion.

Jeno sighs, “Jaemin.”

And it’s the tone, _it’s the tone that Jaemin hates_. It’s the ‘is everything alright?’ tone. Jaemin looks a Jeno with a blank stare, his lips trembled. He wants to break down, he wants to throw himself into the male’s arms and tell him everything. Yet, the black pit in his stomach holds himself back. It’s better like this, not bothering anyone with his useless problems. “I’m ok Jeno, and yeah, I’ll go.” He muttered, getting up and forcing a bitter smile at the male. “I’m alright…” He repeats, holding up a thumbs-up. “Yeah, I’m alright.” He doesn’t spare Jeno another glance as he dragged his legs to the bathroom. He missed the slight tears that rolled down the male’s eyes.

“Jaemin, seeing you like this is hurting me too,” Jeno whispered into nothing, heartbreaking bit by bit. Yet, he gets up and leaves the room anyway. He knew Jaemin was stubborn, he knew Jaemin wouldn’t let it out.

━━━━━━━━

The room turns still as a dejected-looking Jeno walked into the room, his shoulder arched and head low.

“Still no use?” Donghyuck whispered out, Jeno shakes his head. He dropped himself in between Renjun and Donghyuck, thrusting his face to his hands.

“He accepted to go at least, the hyung's can help him, right?” Jeno asked, sending a hopeful glance to Donghyuck.

Donghyuck rips his eyes away from Jeno, “I don’t know. I don’t know Jeno.” He uttered out, hands grasping at his pants.

Jeno goes mute, he gazed at the ground. “Please.”

This drives Donghyuck off guard, Jeno was _never_ the one to beg.

“ _Please_ , tell me they can.”

His voice break didn’t go unnoticed by the members.

━━━━━━━━

“Haechan?” Taeyong is startled to see Donghyuck at the door, his eyes trace to the other 5 boys behind the tanned male. “Oh, ah right sleepover! That was why I was cooking.” He chuckled and swung the door wider, “come on in, get settled in the living room. I’m sure some are there waiting for you guys already.” The five males bow and skipped in, a dazed Jaemin follows right after.

“Hey hyung, is it okay if I help you with cooking?” Jaemin murmured out, closing the door behind him. Taeyong tips his head, but he doesn’t ask.

“Sure Jaemin.” And Jaemin smiles.

Jaemin sits at the very back of the fort, he pays no mind to the playing television. He tries not to think but he can't stop, and the doubt sets in like a whirl of wind. He rubs at his finger in anxiety, not now. Please, not now. He shut his eyes tightly, breathing in and out through his nose. _Remember Jaemin, like Dr Choi had told you. Relax, let the fresh air into you if you panic_. Jaemin does all that, and he could just feel his muscle relax when—

“Jaemin?” And then the dread hits him, the panic runs through his veins yet again. He inhaled deeply, eyes trying to determine who exactly it was. It doesn’t help because his vision is blurry. Yet somehow, he could make out that more heads were spinning his way.

“yeah—just give me some time.” He then plunged off the couch, legs quivering, body toppling as he flees into the bathroom and shut the door powerfully behind him. He grasps the counter until his knuckles go white, he inhaled and exhaled. Somehow blocking out the knocks, he pushed his back against the wall and slides down. Caging himself in a hug, he rocks himself. _It hurts, it hurts so much_. Tears pierced his eyes as he finally calmed down, he holds back the loud sobs. “God, you’re so _fucking_ pathetic.” He whispered to himself, on cue the door clicked opened.

Jaemin and Taeyong gawked at each other for the longest time, though it was only a few seconds. “Jaemin…” Taeyong whispered out, crouching and stroking away the wet tears on his face. Jaemin doesn’t answer, instead, he hauled himself at the male.

“Please, make it stop.” He sobbed out, hugging the male tightly.

“We need to talk about it first.” Jaemin isn’t very fond of that idea, yet after an agonizing two minutes, he nods.

“Sure…” He muttered out, shoving his head into Taeyong’s shoulders. _Maybe, today I could let everything out. Maybe, today is the day everything will be lifted from my shoulders._

━━━━━━━━

Jaemin is pleasantly nuzzled between Taeyong and the door, his back scraping the wood surface and his knee just brushing against Taeyong’s. Taeyong was patient, letting Jaemin compose himself, he would hold Jaemin tight while saying kind and caring words to him. Taeyong felt like home, his comfort zone. “You ready?” Jaemin doesn’t know what to do at first, but he nods.

“Yeah.” He whispered out, already getting restless on his spot. “How do I start…”

“It’s alright, take your time baby,” Taeyong whispered out, running a soothing thumb over the pad of his finger.

“It… It wasn’t big at first. Just from time to time, I would feel down. I brushed it off at first, thinking it was just the result of the stress I went under. However, it became worse. They didn’t just make me feel moody, it made me feel… like I was unwanted. It made me feel insecure, it made me think about the flaws on me.” Jaemin holds back in a sob, shutting his eyes tightly.

“Are you alright? We can stop.”

Jaemin shakes his head aggressively, “No.” He wiped some tears from his face, “I brushed it off again because it wasn’t worth to look at. The members needed it, especially Donghyuck and Chenle. Donghyuck was still going through it while Chenle was just starting. They needed our help. I couldn’t drag the team down. So I pushed it away, telling myself I’m gonna tell them later. But I never did, because the doubts ate me up. What if… they thought I was pathetic?? Even if Chenle and Donghyuck were there, it didn’t help. What if they thought I just wanted attention?”

Taeyong stared at Jaemin, “So, you kept it in. For the last two years.” Jaemin nods to that.

“But, it became so overwhelming. It felt like I didn’t belong in my own home, it felt like I was walking on needles. I couldn’t find myself to laugh anymore, talking to the members felt like such a hassle. It went like… I was just a mere stranger living there.” There were no more tears running down his face, but the pain continued anyways.

“Jaemin, you need to go see a therapist don’t you?”

“I did, we’re both trying. Yet nothing is helping.” He croaked out, fisting at his hair.

━━━━━━━━

Jeno’s on his bed and waiting for him when he comes home, he smiled at the male. “Hey, Jeno.” Jaemin’s voice was lighter, he seemed cheerier.

“hey, baby.” He muttered, getting up.

“no, you stay laying there,” Jaemin demanded, already slipping out of his shirt, and finding more sleep-wise clothing. Jaemin hummed, enjoying the silence as he slipped under the blankets. He let his body willingly crawl into Jeno’s warmth, letting out a contented sigh. He hummed out when Jeno ran a hand through his hair, tilting his head into the touch.

“What did you talk about?” Jeno whispered out, locking Jaemin even tighter.

Jaemin lets out a hearty laugh then turns to Jeno, he brings a hand to Jeno’s face. “Now that my dear is a talk for tomorrow.” He stuffs his face into Jeno’s neck and lets the familiar scent lull him to sleep. He doesn’t miss the chuckle from Jeno.

“Goodnight my prince.”

**Author's Note:**

> hahaha hope u enjoy <3 this still kinda rushed and bad fic


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